You’ve survived move-in day.

The car is unpacked. The dorm room is set up. You’ve said goodbye, driven home, and tried not to stare at your phone every five minutes.

And then it happens.

Your college student calls.

Maybe it’s the first night. Maybe it’s three days later. Maybe they sound excited and happy.

Or maybe the first words out of their mouth are:

“I hate it here.”

That first phone call home can be surprisingly emotional — for both students and parents. And what you say during it matters.

Your instinct may be to fix everything, ask a hundred questions, or reassure them that college is going to be amazing.

But sometimes the best thing a parent can do is simply listen.

Here’s what to say — and what not to say — when that first call comes.

DO Say: “Tell me about it.”

This may be the most useful sentence you can say.

Instead of jumping in with advice, give your student room to talk.

If they say their roommate is weird, their classes are overwhelming, or everyone else seems to already have friends, resist the urge to immediately solve the problem.

Try:

“Tell me what happened.”

“What has today been like?”

“What’s been the hardest part so far?”

You may learn that they don’t actually need you to fix anything. They just need a safe place to unload.

DON’T Say: “I told you this would happen.”

Even if you did.

Maybe you warned them to contact their roommate before move-in. Maybe you suggested joining an orientation event they skipped. Maybe you begged them to learn how to do laundry.

This is not the moment to collect on your parental wisdom.

They already feel vulnerable. An “I told you so” can make them less likely to call you the next time something goes wrong.

Save the lesson for another day.

DO Say: “That sounds hard.”

College students don’t always need a solution.

Sometimes they need someone to acknowledge that what they’re experiencing really is difficult.

A roommate conflict is stressful.

Eating alone can feel awful.

Walking into an activity where you don’t know anyone is intimidating.

Missing home can hurt.

You don’t have to convince them that everything is wonderful. You can simply say:

“I can understand why you’re feeling that way.”

Then listen.

DON’T Say: “These are supposed to be the best years of your life!”

Parents usually mean this as encouragement.

But to a homesick freshman sitting alone in a dorm room, it can sound like:

If these are supposed to be the best years of my life and I’m miserable, something must be wrong with me.

The first few weeks of college aren’t always magical.

They’re an adjustment.

Students are figuring out where to eat, how to make friends, how to manage classes, how to live with another person and how to function without the routines they’ve had for years.

Give them permission to take some time.

DO Say: “What do you think you could do next?”

Before swooping in to solve the problem, help your student think through it.

If they haven’t met anyone:

“Is there someone on your floor you could ask to grab dinner?”

If they’re struggling with a class:

“Who could you talk to on campus about that?”

If they’re having a roommate issue:

“What do you think would happen if you talked to your roommate about it?”

The goal isn’t to leave them on their own.

It’s to help them learn that they are capable of handling problems.

That’s one of the biggest parts of college.

DON’T Say: “I’ll call the school.”

At least not immediately.

Unless you’re dealing with a true safety or emergency situation, give your student the opportunity to handle the problem first.

Calling the professor, residence hall, advisor or roommate’s parent may make you feel better — but it can take away an important opportunity for your student to practice advocating for themselves.

Instead, help them figure out who they should contact and what they should say.

DO Say: “You don’t have to figure everything out this week.”

Freshmen often arrive on campus believing everyone else is already having the perfect college experience.

They’re not.

The girl posting pictures with ten new friends may have cried to her mom that morning.

The guy who looks completely confident walking across campus may be lost.

The roommate who seems totally comfortable may be homesick too.

Remind your student that friendships, routines and a sense of belonging take time.

They don’t need to find their best friends, favorite club, perfect study routine and entire college identity during the first week.

DON’T Say: “Just come home.”

This one is hard.

When your child is crying, every parental instinct may tell you to say:

“Come home. We’ll figure it out.”

And of course, there are situations where coming home may eventually be the right decision.

But a difficult first few days isn’t necessarily one of them.

Homesickness often comes in waves. A student can call home miserable at 2 p.m., go to dinner with someone from their floor at 6 p.m., and feel completely different by bedtime.

Instead of immediately offering an escape route, help them get through today.

DO Say: “I’m proud of you.”

Not because they got into college.

Not because of their grades.

Not because they’re having the perfect freshman experience.

Tell them you’re proud of them for doing something new and uncomfortable.

“I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there.”

“I’m proud of you for handling this.”

“I’m proud of you for calling me and talking about it.”

Those words can mean more than you realize.

DON’T Turn Every Call Into an Interview

Did you eat?

Did you go to class?

Did you meet anyone?

Did you join a club?

Did you do your laundry?

Did you email your professor?

Did you get enough sleep?

Did you make an appointment with your advisor?

Your student may suddenly feel like they’re reporting to headquarters.

Ask questions, but leave room for an actual conversation.

Sometimes simply asking:

“So, what’s going on?”

will tell you far more.

And If They Sound Happy?

Enjoy it.

Don’t immediately start searching for the problem.

If your student calls and says they’re having a great time, they’ve met people and they love their classes, celebrate with them.

You don’t need to remind them about homework, warn them about partying or ask whether they’ve checked their bank account.

Sometimes a good phone call can just be a good phone call.

The Most Important Thing to Remember

That first phone call home may be harder on you than you expect.

You’ve spent years being the person who fixes things.

Now your role is changing.

Your college student still needs you — but they may need you differently.

They need a safe place to land.

They need someone who will listen without panicking.

They need encouragement without pressure.

And sometimes they need to hear one simple sentence:

“I love you. I know this is a big adjustment. You don’t have to have it all figured out yet.”

Then give them the space to figure out what comes next.

Because the goal isn’t for your student to never struggle at college.

The goal is for them to slowly discover that they can handle more than they thought they could.